Omakase Amzn

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Happy Holidays 2012 (and new 2013) from JP!

Just a quick hello and holiday message from JP, the genius and senior researcher and writer and owner of Abstruse Decapod.

If you don't want to watch the rather poor quality webcam video, it's just me saying hi and happy holidays and have a better new year in 2013! -JP

Monday, December 24, 2012

Review: Rasslin' Strategy Card Game (1990)

This is a review of the pro wrestling "card game" Rasslin' Strategy from 1990 by Mike Besky. What do a 90s wrestling card game that requires you to watch wrestling and Burt Reynolds have in common? Find out in this titillating episode!

Monday, December 17, 2012

Top 10 Random Wrestling Name, Wrestler, Move Generator

These new toys for Abstruse Decapod will generate random pro wrestling maneuvers, moves and holds, from both authentic collections as well as creating new and exciting moves using a sophisticated sports-entertainment maneuver-logic algorithm. Just refresh the page for more!

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Medieval and Modern Acre Equivalents

I've been  going through documents and websites, trying to reconcile the different values I've seen given for measurements of land, both historically and within different areas of the same place, such as the formula that a hide of land might contain 30-160 acres. I know there is a lot of variability to acres and hides and what they consisted of, but for game purpose, I've created this table that allows you to compare not only historical measurements but also some modern ones from various cultures.

One of the common formulas is "120 Old Acres = 30 Modern Acres". But which "Old Acre"? I'm still not entirely clear, but this should help, though I'm pretty sure I'm going to wind up just fudging for anything I do, and picking a modern acre total that I feel is fitting, probably 40 acres.

Any thoughts for anyone else out there? Clarifications? Questions?

Friday, December 14, 2012

Tabletop Tools: Inspiration Pad Pro 3 Free Download

 I've been organizing pdfs and articles i have on writing better adventures and such, to
help me find and focus on all my works of that kind, with the proper references, to get this Inspiration Pad generator thing to work better. It went south when i tried to do too much in the same generator, especially with me not being super-familiar with its scripting, so i'm going to separate them out and go one step at a time - baby steps.

If you haven't seen Inspiration Pad, it's an awesome free (also a pay version) application you can download that lets you easily make random generators out of simple text files, some of them quite sophisticated - most useful for tabletop role playing games (at least for me).

Inspiration Pad Pro 3:

They've got a character sheet designer and fractal mapper and other tools gamers might find helpful.

NBOS also has some neat online generators, which look to have been created with Inspiration Pad Pro, and the results put up on their site as examples.

I hope to be able to make random villains of my own choosing for RPG systems that I can't find that sort of thing for. Maybe random hazards, etc. The possibilities are almost endless!

Green Dragon Adventure: Casual Online RPG Starting Soon!

The Green Dragon Adventure site now has a blog, which potentially could prove to be a "value-added" feature to the main GDA site, with possibly artwork, creative writing, tips and other discussions related to his game, as well as possibly RPGs in general. If you haven't checked it out yet, I urge you to take a look at Green Dragon Adventure's blog and the main site, which will be starting a new game perfect for casual "tabletop" and forum-like RPGers who don't have the luxury of being able to do hours-long online gaming, but can visit regularly at times of their own choosing, to make the "command decisions" for their characters, to engage in adventure!

Green Dragon Adventure

Greed Dragon Adventure Blog:

Greed Dragon Adventure Main Site (sign up to play!):

Thursday, December 13, 2012

TubesDub: Real GB Heck House Vampire LARP

This is an audio re-dub of the Real Ghostbusters animated series episode "Heck House", using animated artwork/video developed by Columbia Pictures and DiC and audio by me.

The guys are invited to play a Vampire the Masquerade, New World of Darkness LARP at a haunted house.

This video may include descriptions or language of a rmature/adult/not-safe-for-work nature and is not recommended for younger viewers.

Please feel free to leave comments and share/like/recommend the video, and I'll try to respond! Have a great day!

Monday, December 10, 2012

My Thoughts on a Post at RPG.NET about Counter-Intuitive Lessons from Video Games

I was just at RPG.NET and found a topic with some interesting points, posted originally by forum member Lugaru, and I'd like to duplicate my thoughts here, paraphrasing his points:

Gamer cries of "that's not realistic" are really cries of "that's not authentic/intuitive".

I personally like the refinement of the "realistic" issue into "authentic", which only means "authentic to what we expect", not necessarily what is. This is a fine point and the reason you can have arguments about whether zombies "realistically" be killed with head shots or not, or if you can dive away from a 20 foot diameter fireball with no damage. It's not whether it really happens in real life, but whether we can generally agree, "Okay, that makes sense".

Overpowered isn't as bad as repetitive
"Playing Superman is by definition, overpowered. If players can use their overwhelming superpowers to immediately defeat any threat, that is a flaw in game design (or at least GMing).

I would note that this is true, but, having an overpowered or all-applicable tool to deal with almost everything, does tend to LEAD to repetitiveness, so while one may not equal the other, there is a strong correlation that could nearly be a direct evolution, making both almost equally worthy of being on guard against.

Games are timewasters, but don't waste players' time

"Fetch and collecting quests, mini games and long distance walks in video games pad out  the running time, while tabletop games seem to fall into this same pattern with excessive die rolling (to hit, critical, damage, location, etc). Standard actions that should be expected to be routine shouldn't need a roll at all, such as picking a typical lock or eating well enough while in town, unless there's a monster bearing down on you, a battle is going on, food is scarce, etc."

My main issue here is that an example of "picking a standard lock" is mentioned as something that shouldn't even be rolled for, to keep the game flowing, to avoid doing things that by and large, aren't important until a certain situation arises, yet in Point 1 above, it is considered a given that vehicles run out of gas and guns run out of bullets, which, though not explicitly stated, seems to indicate a pretty prosaic adherence to ammo tracking and bookkeeping, which I personally find the worst violator of game flow, bar none. To me, unless there is a REASON to be making tickmarks while you're just in standard combat or driving from one place to another, that should be turned into some sort of resource roll, to leave the mundanity in the background where it belongs, like itemizing every single envelope, piece of string and iron ration you have.

Sunday, December 9, 2012

TubeDub: Heck House Vampire LARP

The Ghostbusters gang of Egon, Ray, Peter and Winston are visited by a creepy stranger who invites them to play a Live Action Role Play of Vampire the Masquerade. Egon unearths min-max strategies, Peter saves Jessica Alba, Ray has trouble with his zipper and Winston can't believe all the bats. Jeanine just wants a hug.

Friday, December 7, 2012

TubDub: Real Ghosbusters - Duh-ry Farm

This is a goofy and not necessarily all that good little video I did. I took a full episode of the animated "Real Ghostbusters" cartoon, developed by Columbia Pictures Television and DiC, and redubbed it with my own voice with the automatically generated Youtube captions, then added a bit here and there to help fill in some blanks, as my first attempt at this kind of thing. I will probably wind up doing my own 'script" for anything else I do, but this was a first for me, and turned out... well enough, considering what I had to work with. I hope you find it entertaining.

External Link

Monday, December 3, 2012

Top Down RPG World Design, Part III: How To Create Random World Maps With GIMP in 36 Easy Steps

This may not be as vital a post as others, if you aren't interested in visually creating your own world map of landmasses,so I recommend those people look into more interesting avenues of text concerns, such as random name generators, for their continents and settlements, etc.

For those that are interested in a way to create your own overland campaign world maps quickly, easily and for free, the 36 items below are presented in an easy-to-follow, step-by-step format that requires no artistic ability (with the exception of one step) or even more than basic familiarity with the GIMP application, which is a free image editing software, similar to Adobe Photoshop, but open source and free - my favorite price.

After you have created your continents or landmasses (and you may wind up doing this multiple times to generate various suitable continents, choosing the best one or two from each instance, to put together in one final world map), the next step will be deciding how and where to arrange your landmasses, and you will find a section addressing this point, directly after the steps given for creating random world maps.

For those that find this tutorial too long or unwieldly to read online, I've turned it into a simple, single PDF document you can download and read on your PC at your leisure. {DOWNLOAD}

I've also uploaded a shorter, simplified version (though it has a few errors) of this tutorial, with the steps reduced to 25, as a Youtube video. {WATCH YOUTUBE VIDEO}

Click "Read More" below to get into the full tutorial!

Top-Down RPG World Design Part II: Maps and Continents

Before we begin placing continents, we need to refamiliarize ourselves with the nature and features of maps.

Latitude or meridians are lines or bands that run east-west around the globe. There are generally 12 to 24 segments or squares of latitude on most maps, with the easternmost area of Asia sharing a square with the westernmost part of Alaska, in a wrap-around. The primary line of latitude is the Equator, which is located halfway between the north and south poles, at 0 degrees latitude, dividing the world up into the north and south hemispheres, extending from 0 degrees latitude at the Equator to 90 degrees north latitude at the top of the north pole, and 90 degrees south latitude at the part of the south pole nearest the bottom of the map. The Equator is an abstraction representing the halfway point of the rotation of the Earth on its axis.

Longitude or parallels, are north-south lines or bands from the north to south poles. There are generally 6-12 squares of longitude on most maps, with the "top squares" containing most of the north pole, and the "bottom squares" containing most of the south pole/Antarctica. The primary line of longitude is the Prime Meridian at 0 degrees longitude, dividing the world into west and east hemispheres, extending from 0 degrees longitude to 180 degrees south longitude in the southernmost part of the south pole, and 180 degrees north longitude in the northernmost section of the north pole.

Saturday, December 1, 2012

Top-Down RPG World Design, Part I: Planet, Continents

This is Part I of hopefully a lengthy series, posted as I graduate to new levels or sections, of a top-down method of creating a game world, starting at the "top" - the celestial body itself. I'll be using Earth and our solar system as my base examples, so let me put its stats up first.

PLANETDIA (MI)SqMiLand%Land SqMiNumCont

Friday, November 30, 2012

What I've Been Doing, Part I: Animals in RPGs, Medieval Measurements

I've been doing a lot of work, research, writing and organizing on:

animal bite forces, sizes, weights, senses, abilities
diets, care, space, speed, burdens, abilities for horses (need to do dogs, birds, tigers, bears)

I realized that in the Solomon Kane game I run, and others, I've had people with either just trained animals or pets, or actual NPC allies which they've even turned into sidekicks (NPCs that can gain levels like PCs), but I have little or no real support or treatment of how these are to be treated or used in play, or what other features they may have outside of "monster manual"/bestiary stats, and that needs to change.

medieval measurements: linear (ancient measures: fingers, cubits, roods, perchates, chains)
medieval measurements: area (acres, hides, baronies, manors, etc)
deep settlement (village/city) creation and development, including land features (water, arability, resources)
deconstructing the Solomon Kane plot hooks, to add to an adventure generator to produce a very involve level of detailed elements from which to create new adventures, using randomness/die rolls
putting hopefully 3+ adventures together to sell on an rpg site

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Joshi Puroresu/Female Japanese Wrestling Back Suplex

New full color image for DeviantArt, plus a new image for Cafepress merchandise.

Joshi Puroresu/Female Japanese Wrestling: Back Suplex

Sunday, November 18, 2012

Table Scraps: WWF Wrestling Stars Game Review

This Table Scraps is a retrospective look back and review of the 1985 board game, WWF Wrestling Stars Game, before they were even called Superstars, from the Hulk Hogan era, or heyday and genesis of professional wrestling's soaring popularity in the mainstream. Unlike most of the other Abstruse Decapod videos, this actually has live camera video, rather than screen capture, as we rummage through what is left of this board game from over 20 years ago.

As a special bonus, various images, including the board, rules, all the wrestler cards and stand-up pawn miniatures with full body photos of the wrestlers, are all available for free download as an historical curiosity of trivia, for those interested in seeing a genuine relic from the hazy past of pro wrestling, the WWF and board games.

[Download WWF Wrestling Stars Game Archive Here]

Thursday, November 15, 2012

WWE Wrestling Ring Dimensions

As of 2012, the standard WWE ring is one of the largest, dimensions-wise.

"Ring Size": 20 x 20 feet mat area (measured between the turnbuckles)

Ring Apron: 1 foot beyond ropes

Turnbuckle to Post
: 12-18 inches from ropes

Turnbuckle Pad
: padded coverings bound over steel rope-anchoring turnbuckles

Total Ring Floor Area
: 20' x 20' + 1' x 1' = 21 x 21 feet

Mat Height: 4-6 feet from floor, 4.5' average

Rope Heights: average 1, 3 and 5 feet from mat (1.5 to 2 feet between ropes)

Rope Dimensions: at least 1 inch diameter, 60-80 feet per rope (15-20' per side)

Number of Ropes: 3 top to bottom, 3 per side, usually 12 tightened segments

Rope Material
: rope (as opposed to cables used by some companies)

Mat Material: padding, heavy Canvas, plywood, steel Crossbeams and wires

Ring Posts: heavy-duty material, usually metal, 9-10 feet tall, 3+ inches diameter

Total Ring Height
: 10 feet from floor to top of post, 9.5 feet from floor to top t.b.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Abstruse Decapod Shop (Cafepress) Offers Argument Invalidation Opossum

Opossum sleeping in a trash can. Your argument is invalid. 

Those magic words are now on shirts and mugs and anything else you want them on, at the Abstruse Decapod Cafepress site!

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

President Barack Obama 2012, Flaghair Lady 2016

Congratulations to Barack Obama for being re-elected as President of the United States of America, for his second term, in November of 2012. Also congratulations to "Flaghair Lady" for becoming an instant meme for wearing a flag in her hair and positioning herself directly behind the president in camerashot throughout his entire speech. She is going to have more fame than she will ever wish. I will help start us off.

Flaghair Lady for President 2016! I love you Flaghair Lady! I will vote for you!

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Nemesis, a Poem by HP Lovecraft

I posted a small slideshow type video of "scary images" and a text to speech voice reading HP Lovecraft's poem, "Nemesis" to Youtube, in honor of the spooky season. Enjoy!

My CHORTLENEOK Youtube Channel.

By H. P. Lovecraft

Thro’ the ghoul-guarded gateways of slumber,
Past the wan-moon’d abysses of night,
I have liv’d o’er my lives without number,
I have sounded all things with my sight;
And I struggle and shriek ere the daybreak, being driven to madness with fright.

I have whirl’d with the earth at the dawning,
When the sky was a vaporous flame;
I have seen the dark universe yawning,
Where the black planets roll without aim;
Where they roll in their horror unheeded, without knowledge or lustre or name.

I had drifted o’er seas without ending,
Under sinister grey-clouded skies
That the many-fork’d lightning is rending,
That resound with hysterical cries;
With the moans of invisible daemons that out of the green waters rise.

I have plung’d like a deer thro’ the arches
Of the hoary primoridal grove,
Where the oaks feel the presence that marches
And stalks on where no spirit dares rove;
And I flee from a thing that surrounds me, and leers thro’ dead branches above.

I have stumbled by cave-ridden mountains
That rise barren and bleak from the plain,
I have drunk of the fog-foetid fountains
That ooze down to the marsh and the main;
And in hot cursed tarns I have seen things I care not to gaze on again.

I have scann’d the vast ivy-clad palace,
I have trod its untenanted hall,
Where the moon writhing up from the valleys
Shews the tapestried things on the wall;
Strange figures discordantly woven, which I cannot endure to recall.

I have peer’d from the casement in wonder
At the mouldering meadows around,
At the many-roof’d village laid under
The curse of a grave-girdled ground;
And from rows of white urn-carven marble I listen intently for sound.

I have haunted the tombs of the ages,
I have flown on the pinions of fear
Where the smoke-belching Erebus rages,
Where the jokulls loom snow-clad and drear:
And in realms where the sun of the desert consumes what it never can cheer.

I was old when the Pharaohs first mounted
The jewel-deck’d throne by the Nile;
I was old in those epochs uncounted
When I, and I only, was vile;
And Man, yet untainted and happy, dwelt in bliss on the far Arctic isle.

Oh, great was the sin of my spirit,
And great is the reach of its doom;
Not the pity of Heaven can cheer it,
Nor can respite be found in the tomb:
Down the infinite aeons come beating the wings of unmerciful gloom.

Thro’ the ghoul-guarded gateways of slumber,
Past the wan-moon’d abysses of night,
I have liv’d o’er my lives without number,
I have sounded all things with my sight;
And I struggle and shriek ere the daybreak, being driven to madness with fright

Monday, October 29, 2012

Hurricane, Wind Speed, Storm and Damage Charts

I have consolidated a large number of weather-related charts into one image, which may help people educate themselves to some degree, about tornadoes, hurricanes, wind, wave heights and other related information.

Click on image for larger sized image.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Tabletop RPG Debris: Dude, Where's My Excellent World?!

Welcome to Abstruse Decapod's  Tabletop RPG Debris; the retrospective that takes a look at obscure and homebrew role-playing games you either might have never heard of, or which have simply been lost to time - sometimes with good reason.

Alright, well, let me get this out of the way. I was never a fan of Bill and Ted or Wayne's World - in fact, I can't honestly say I have seen either all the way through, with certainty ... and I have no immediate plans to remedy that. I just don't like the type of humor that these movies, and shows like them, tend to rely on. Like Napoleon Dynamite, they have a number of quotable lines, and that's great, and I know many people of all ages enjoy these movies - but not me. Maybe it's because I never knew anyone like any of the people in the movies, therefore can't identify with any character whatsoever.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Free Downloads: Feng Shui RPG Character Sheets and Dragon's Heirs Archetype Sourcebook

The Dragon's Heirs for Feng Shui
- Made with express consent and hosted by Atlas Games, my compilation of all 59 of the official archetypes for the Feng Shui archetypes can be downloaded for free here.

Feng Shui Character Custom Sheets Pack
- 10 different custom character sheets for Feng Shui with different "theming", from Basic White to Jade to Wood.

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Zoat Sourcebook for Warhammer Fantasy Role Play 2nd Edition (WFRP2)

 This is a completely unofficial fan-made sourcebook for Warhammer Fantsy Role Play 2nd Edition (WFRP2), fleshing out the Zoat race, which was removed from 3rd edition.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Free RPG From Me: "Winter's Cold Heart" Adventure

Hello and welcome, readers! This is something I wrote quite a while back but it got some good response by people that downloaded it, and ran it for their groups. It is written with Warhammer Fantasy Role Play 2nd Edition in mind, but is "systemless", only having general "stats" which a willing GM can easily adapt for his purposes and system.

This scenario, Winter's Cold Heart, is divided into two sections: Section 1: Ice in the Blood, and Section 2: Blood in the Ice. The division and name reversals are intended to help differentiate different style, atmosphere and overall “feel”. Though some combat is likely, mostly in Section 2, the scenario relies more on reason, critical thinking and using clues to solve a fairly straight-forward puzzle which will help increase the chance of survival for the inn’s patrons.

This section will strand the PCs during a winter storm at a friendly little place called the Sugarloaf Inn (or whatever inn you’dlike to use) – but the cheery fire inside pales in comparison to the chaos of the blizzard raging outside, and the hunger which waits both outside and within the walls of the inn itself.

File Hosted on Google Drive

Friday, October 19, 2012

Free Art: Turtle Centaur (WFRP Zoat)

This isn't fantastic or anything, but I thought I'd share a vector art image of a turtle-centaur I just made, which the Warhammer game would refer to as a "Zoat". It is "open" clipart so is free to use for any purpose as far as I'm concerned.

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Free Downloads!

Okay so maybe they're not super impressive, but at the very least, they might give you some ideas for games or characters or something, or at best, you can play and actually enjoy some of these PDFs!


Thursday, October 11, 2012

Creative Commons 0/Public Domain: Orc Head

I am hereby officially dedicating this image to the Public Domain, free for any use by anyone.

 To the extent possible under law, Jason Patterson has waived all copyright and related or neighboring rights to Orc Head. This work is published from: United States.

WTFWatch: Hawk the Slayer Fan Fiction

Author: slytherinsa (at

"Such a meeting on a wild and windy January night took place between the Archbishop and four guests; Hawk the Slayer and his brother, Voltan the Warlord being the principle invited guests. The archbishop had too perforce, since they would not be left out, Annis, Voltan's tiny pale lady; and Jehanne, half sister to Annis' half sister and accounted step sister by that strong minded young lady. Jehanne acted as Hawk's page while she learned enough to be called his squire. She had cut her hair short to pretend to be a boy to better protect her sister Sylvia ere Voltan had taken them into his care; and kept for the nonce her dark golden curls short and still, for reason of her slender build, passed as a boy.

Voltan scowled at the Archbishop as Hawk introduced them; their reconciliation was still of recent date and the warlord was edgy around those who had recently been his enemies."


Seriously - WHAT? Hawk has reunited with his sixty some year old brother, whom he himself killed, at the end of the greatest sword-and-sorcery classic movie ever, Hawk the Slayer, starring Jack Palance and John Terry. Now Voltan and Hawk both have new wimminz and Voltan and Hawk are attending church? I was going to ignore this and move on, counting it as an odd quirk, being the only Hawk the Slayer fanfic on the net (well, it and another both written by this same person), but now this is such an incredibly eyebrow-raising work I'm making sure to make a note of this for anyone that is curious about what a Hawk the Slayer fan fiction work looks like, around 18 chapters each... wow. As a Slaver from the River Shale might say, "God's Teeth!"

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Free Vector Art: Asian Woman

Over the past few years, I've been working on improving my artistic ability by doing the "static" (non-moving) equivalent of "rotoscoping" (or "roto"), which is a film/animation technique that involves drawing/painting over live action scenes, to produce crisp, clean cartoons or line art, probably the most famous of the earliest and still continuing examples, would be Walt Disney's many films, that have that "realistic" movement quality, that involved a lot of frames, rather than the handful usually associated with cartoons and drawn animation. As part of my posts here, I'm going to start posting some of the images I've put up on the Open Clip Art Gallery or other places, mostly this vectorized clipart, though I may also do some hand work as well.

Asian Woman Vector Art

This was a bit of a cheat but it turned out so well that I used it anyway. It is using the "Photocopy" or Black and White filter from a graphics program (probably GIMP, but it's been so long I forgot), and then I ran it through Inkscape (a vector graphics program that lets you trace bitmaps to make line art). I don't know where I got the picture, but judging by its quality, I'd hazard a guess it is not public domain or royalty free, so while you can use it for your own purposes, I'd recommend against trying to use it in a commercial work.

Monday, October 1, 2012

RPG Debris: Tabletop Trash or Treasure: Hot Chicks

Don't let the name, soulless poser art and sexist appearance on the cover and within fool you - there are a few good ideas within the Hot Chicks RPG. What is done with them is a tragedy, but they do exist. Ever wanted rules for building your own computer from scratch, in-game, but felt there needed to be a woman in a push-up bra on the cover of your RPG, because just couldn't quite feel like enough of a nerd without that? Hot Chicks answers the call.

Monday, September 24, 2012

RPG Debris - Tabletop Trash or Treasure: Pro Power Championship Wrestling

RPG Debris
Tabletop Trash or Treasure:
Pro Power Championship Wrestling
(c) 1994 Pro Action Sports Entertainment

 The year was 1994. Although a runaway planet didn't hurtle between the earth and the moon, unleashing cosmic destruction, I did get duped into paying money for a really crappy dice wrestling game that was apparently created by a junior high kid with a Rob Liefeld mancrush. This is my story.

Friday, September 21, 2012

Video Review - RPG Debris: Tabletop Trash or Treasure: SIMCO Wrestling

SIMCO Wrestling

Professional Wrestling Statistics Dice Game


What game recaptures the magic of Saturday night wrestling events from the 80's with dice and statted out wrestlers? I don't know, but if you figure it out, tell me. Until then, here's my review of SIMCO Wrestling.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Video Review - RPG Debris:
Tabletop Trash or Treasure?

Backyard Brawls

Erotic Furry Wrestling

Making Love and War at the Same Time

Steven T. Purdie

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Video Review - RPG Debris: Tabletop Trash or Treasure



Tim and Christine Morgan

This episode takes a look at a small 30k HTML file written to expand on GURPS' woefully inadequate sex rules (according to the authors). Thank goodness there are people out there bringing us the much-needed fan resources!

Monday, September 10, 2012

You Might Be A Mime If...

You Might Be A Mime If...

You scream by waving your arms really, REALLY passionately 

Heated debates can be held in the public library

You've never won anything at an auction - except silent auctions

You're often mistaken for a "Crow" fan

If you had your way, they would ALL be silent movies

You think Goths are posers

The term "inside voice" doesn't apply to you

You make money on the side selling makeup to televangelist's wives and street ho's

Clowns ridicule you

You were disappointed in Batman's "Harley Quinn" character for speaking

You received honorary French citizenship but never applied for it

You can't count the number of things you've been told to do with your invisible rope

Your understanding of "faking it" borders on cosmic

Your "Rhymin' & Mimin'" CD just didn't sell like you expected it to

You're internationally banned from playing charades because you're overqualified

You still anxiously remember almost suffocating in that damn box

Neighbors pound on your wall when you play air guitar

You were overjoyed that the wrestler Sting finally "came out"

Of all the insults hurled at you, "shut up" is one you never hear

You're part of a class-action suit against Madonna for "Vogue"

You've ballooned up to a grotesque 90 pounds

Pigeons crap on you just on general principle

You have no furniture, and don't need any

Some days you just don't feel like wearing the bowler and gloves

You were hired to perform the slow-motion "bullet time" scenes for the Matrix

That "right to remain silent" joke just gets funnier and FUNNIER every few dozen times you hear it

You have a million hilarious jokes but no way to tell them

That job as a play-by-play announcer was STOLEN by that loser just because he "spoke"

They don't understand how close you are to mastering telepathy!

Any time you're surprised, you look like you just had a skyscraper jammed into your rectum

And though not a joke link, here's something I bet most of us really never even though to look into:

Charades - Gateway to Evil

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Spam E-mail Award Nominees

The Abstruse Decapod Spam E-mail Awards!

Who will win the coveted title of "Most Obnoxious"? Who will take home the trophy for "Enemy of Logic"? Find out!

Steven Morris Male X'X'X' stars thankful for this ! Thu 01/15 2k

Just sad. This ' ' ' is why its impossible to filter out spam.

Tamra Kerns Melt fat away with HGH the easy way! Thu 01/15 4k
I'm immediately cancelling the HGH Hard Way program! Thank god technology advances as swiftly as it does!

Ellis Gillis As seen on TV! Amazing HGH age reversing secret Thu 01/15 4k
Damn this HGH is pow'ful! Burns fat, reverses aging. If it lubricates and can be used as a dessert topping, I think I know where my next paycheck is going!

SYLVIA SUE PIERCE New E-gold transaction fee, Running on 2004, Jan, 1st Thu 01/15 2k

acer 123456 Come see me now.. I'm Melissa !! Thu 01/15 4k
Thats the problem nowadays; no one wants to talk, to get to know each other. Poor girl.

Timmy Reed ''Improve your cup size NATURALLLY! Clinically verified! jke w iqwii Thu 01/15 2k
I gotta admit, I dunno if this means bra cup or like, athletic cup, but, in a weird sort of way, both are interesting to contemplate... I wasn't gonna check this one out, but HEY! Its clinically verified!

brandon barney M0RTGAGE RATES HIT R0CK BOTTOM!!! .... .... ... mgwbbadvsv47 Thu 01/15 5k
Brandon Barney, like a godsend, KNOWS I need mortage advice, and here he is, delivering the goods! Thanks Barn!

Stacey Mcfadden Ladies beautiful bustlines safely-- tyranny fajvoq yrbu zfjj Thu 01/15 2k
Again, not certain what this subject actually MEANS, but it has the word "tyranny" in it, which is absolutely intriguing, the things that had to happen to bring "bust lines" and "tyranny" into the same e-mail.

Rose West So you're going to do it-sigmund ozhqfb k Wed 01/14 3k
They say news travels fast but this is RIDICULOUS! I hadn't even finished THINKING about doing it!

Molly Redmond Au=dullt male stars are famous for lasting ! fzhhqo Wed 01/14 3k
Thanks for the trivia. I wondered why they were famous.

Jewel Fischer Men (Eks-Eks-Eks) movie stars rely on this !! Wed 01/14 4k
These girls sure know an awful lot about 'eks eks eks' movies. Not the kind of gal to take home to mom. I think the male movie stars probably rely on a complete lack of moral compass, not sure why an e-mail was necessary.

Erna Plummer Lower your blood pressure with HGH Tue 01/13 4k
My GOD! If this can be used as an anlternative fuel, the inventor is gonna get killed!

Earnest Napier Ladies sexier bustlines gair-N-tea-d !! Tue 01/13 3k
My nominee for MOST creative spelling of something to keep it from being filtered out of an e-mail program.

Rufus Hadley Have any beautiful woman!-rebutting sbb ezziyy krenve o Tue 01/13 3k
This is a pretty broad generalization for someone named "Rufus" to attest to. And why is "rebutting" in the subject - that was just a poor random choice all the way around.

infocenter-mail@ Why Can't You Be Happy? Tue 01/13 6k
Well it all started when my parents installed the quicksandbox in our backyard. I was an only child - eventually...

peter122 7323728 Human growth hormone can stop the aging process…. .. … .. . bozznemfhu3547725188... Sat 01/24 3k
Human G... waitaminuuuttteee.. THATS HGH! Sneaky devil! Now that I think about it, doesn't GROWING denote AGING - you get older, you grow... how does... hmmm, well at the very least, if they're wrong, and I take a lot of this, the worst cast scenario is that I'll be a 90 foot tall GIANT able to squash their pesky human armies underfoot! BWAHAHAHAH!

McAfee Security Prices are going up, so get VirusScan protection now. Fri 01/23 13k
Funny, I use free online virus scans and also tend to like the absence of unnecessary McAfee-inspired crashes. Their prices never go up. Thanks anyway, McAfee, I happen to have heard that the only more worthless piece of software to install on my PC is Windows.

Elisabeth Wilkes -Last forever like male po~rn stars over and over oazwqhylw Thu 01/22 2k
Last forever - over and over? Exactly how does that work, on a quantum time-space-physics level?

Johnathan Jenkins Models are useing it! Free offer for HGH Thu 01/22 4k
Models use a LOT of things. I don't think this was the best approach. What KIND of models, anyway...?

Odell Harding Free 1 month weight loss with HGH miracle Wed 01/21 4k
I'd like to lose weight for more than a month - I mean sure, I could probably get some good pictures taken so I could post on yahoo personals, but if I balloon back out a month later, that just seems cruel on many different levels.

أق�رط��ف--�ـث��،��أ�ج�ح��،س�تس�­�ل--آ�ج� Wed 01/21 1k
NOMINEE: Most Pointless WTF Spam - didn't even have links or info or a virus inside it. Boggles the mind.

Bradford Crouch Seakrets. of ((eks-eks-eks)) stars finally available! Tue 01/20 2k
First off I like his name. Second, Seakrets. Sadly, eks eks eks detracts. Sorry, the nomination is off.

Simulcasting T. Breathy Important Information Regarding Your Account yq8P81 Mon 01/19 5k
Now THAT is a name. "Hello, nice to meet you, I'm Simulcasting T. Breathy. I have important information about your account." I'm so enamored of that name, for a moment I was curious about which account Mr. Breathy had information.

autoenquiry@ Hi Mon 01/19 22k
Yo. (I ought to create

Haley Moreland HGH the secret of healthy people Sun 01/18 4k
All this time I thought it was diet, exercise, good hygiene, avoiding risky situations and having regular checkups. I'm so stupid. Haley ought to be informed the "secret" is making the rounds as everything from The Fountain of Youth to Soy Sauce.

Accrues O. Paralysis Okiecrabjp, new and fully freedom Sat 01/17 4k
NOMINEE: Bizarre Name Which Sounds Like It Should Mean Something But Doesn't.

ةجخّ�جء��،خ���ضذذ�ئ�ز���ص��ؤ���� Sat 01/17 4k
I'm sorry, nominations for this category are closed.

Troopship P. Looser Hi Okiecrabjp! New oem software. Fri 01/16 4k
We have a late entrant, but the judge is allowing it! Let's hear it for Troopship P. Looser!

Leaky R. Cashiers Okiecrabjp, new and fully freedom Fri 01/16 4k
If it weren't for "new and fully freedom", ol Leaky's name here wouldn't have gotten him in. Lucky him!

Cornelius Puckett Physicians. agree! Increase those bra sizes! tu Fri 01/16
Is this a statement? Is he telling physicians to increase bra sizes? Does he mean the material? Exactly what is going on in this e-mail?!

Rosanna Herring W.@n7 A Bett.3r J0b? alfonso Sat 01/10 4k
LEETSPEAK SPAM! All I wanna do when I wake up in the morning is see your eyes, Rosannaaaaaaaaaa...

GlobalSCAPE What are your Web site visitors thinking? Find out Now Fri 01/09 9k
Finally, the web-based PSYCHIC MIND PROBE PROGRAM! Ok so maybe Globalscape does have neat stuff now and then!

McAfee Security Afraid of viruses & taxes? Get VirusScan w/bonus TaxCut. Thu 01/08 14k
No actually I'm not afraid of either. Odd how I'm not scared of bits of computer code and pieces of paper. And I haven't even had counselling!

Rodger Yazzie .a Drive the opposite sex crazy with desire! fotbxiitsr qmq Wed 01/07 3k
You know, fotbxiitsr looks like "Foxbiter", which is good for a laugh.

Saturday, September 8, 2012

Amazing Spam E-mails

We all get these, pretty much all the time by now, but occasionally I like to stop and really think about them. Why? Because I go one step further in putting off work, all for my readers. I ask for nothing in return, except lots of money, but so far that has been woefully non-forthcoming.

  Ingram Lewis Anna Kornekova Eats Red Meat RARE
Woohoo! If there's one thing I've lusted after seeing, all these years, its her breaking out of that boring vegetarian cycle she's in and REALLY chowing down on a bleeding double bacon cheeseburger! I'm all hot just thinking about it - no, wait, actually, I'm hungry - thanks a LOT, Ingram!

Your Therapist Re: Enter to Win Free Body Massages for 1 YEear! My split personality has finally gotten so bad I not only don't remember hiring a therapist, I hired a really questionable one, that gives out chances to win body massages and is unable to grasp the subtle nuances of spelling "year" with four letters - or at least he doesn't know how to use spellcheck. I'm looking into my malpractice options!

College Center You Have One DEGREE Waiting! Sun 04/13 2k DAMN! There's that split personality again! I wonder what the hell I have a degree in! I hope its something good like Hot Asian Chick Psychology or Fluffy Pillow Tester!!! Woohoo here I come, College Center!

Legal Debt Elimination Re: You Have Been Selected! Sun 04/13 2k I have a legal debt? Or I've been selected to legally eliminate debt? Or am I being picked for a sort of elite corporate crime-fighting squad. That rawks!

Long Nights Seduce Women Now! Sat 04/12 8k DAMN! Now I wish I hadn't ordered their earlier "Seduce Women in Approximately 6 Years!" product last month. Stay away folks - I think Long Nights isn't on the up and up!

Buy Foreclosed Homes *FORECLOSED HOMES FOR SALE! Sat 04/12 2k Dammit, why do they have to be so VAGUE?! I wanna know whats in here before I click the link!

A Friend View Photos of Singles in YOUR Area! That is a HELL OF A FRIEND! Who are you, Friend? How do you know I want to see photos of singles in my area! Besides being an anonymous 'guardian angel' type friend I didn't even know I had, you are quite obviously psychic! God has smiled on me this day!

Old High School Friend Come Find Me!!! Sat 04/12 19k Hmmmmmm. Oh damn, those wacky guys! They always were jokers, but this sure as heck tops the list - sending me an anonymous e-mail totally out of the blue, teasing me and playing hard to get! You nut, I'm sending you an e-mail to end the farce - don't mind the w32klez.exe attachment...

Winner Confirmation re: Win a $1,000 Grocery Shopping Spree! Sat 04/12 2k Woohoo! I don't even remember writing them for them to respond to me, but this is SO much better than getting those same old "Loser Confirmation re: once again, you sucked ass" e-mails that keep filling up my e-mail account. I know what I'm buying bay-bee - hot dogs and licorice!!!

Customer Service re: Congratulations - You've Won! WOW! I CANNOT *BE-LIEVE* my INCREDIBLE luck! Even the customer SERVICE people are doing prize promotions and giveaways! Truly, I now know that I am one of the Chosen Ones! I will have to write trouble tickets and complain about website service more often!

Approved Approval Notification: 3 Minute Approval! Is it just me, or did this approval take even less than 3 minutes?! These people are AMAZING!!!

Nadine Wilson 18 and Horney Fri 04/11 7k Well, she spells marginally better than my cat, and she's of age and she trustingly gave her full name - I hear wedding bells!

NEW Car Want a NEW Car?!? Whoah dude! Its like, one of them sentient cars, like K.I.T.T. or Herbie the Lovebug! FAR OUT!

Nestor Lewis Spooge Fest Extravaganza.... Fri 04/11 2k OMG! I'd been waiting for word on Spooge Fest! Its supposed to be in the Valley this year, headlined by Saliva!

Free Horoscopes Re: PERSONAL PSYCHIC ADVICE - AT NO COST! Fri 04/11 2k No thanks, I already have a psychic guardian angel friend who has links to singles in my area. I'm covered.

FreeAdultDVD's Are Girls Crazy? Fri 04/11 4k Thought provoking philosophy from what you would expect to be soulless flesh-peddling, money-grubbing weasels - the world sure has changed since 1985! *Spoiler - surprisingly, they let you make up your own mind - truly a forward-thinking porn retailer.

Non Profit Help You are Now 100% Debt Free - Must Respond Today Fri 04/11 4k Whoah, whoah whoah. I'm 100% Debt Free, thanks to the kind folks over at Non Profit Help? Must Respond Today? DAMN! I missed it by two days - wonder what happens... maybe they just wanted a thank you card.

Confirmation Department We owe you $60 -- Immediate response needed. Fri 04/11 11k Okay - "HELL YAH!!!" - Hmm. I sent that two days ago and they still haven't sent me anything...

Gabriel Wilson Sadaam Is Gone...FFree Adult Passwords MAN! The war really DID have some serious international ramifications didn't it! Damn you "Sadaam", not only did you oppress the Iraqi people, hide Weapons of Mass Destruction and sponsor terrorism - you were bogarting the damned porn passwords??!!!! BOMB HIS ASS, RUMMY!!!

Local Positions Part-Time Help Needed! Fri 04/11 2k Thats pretty damn desperate. If McDonald's big-assed sign doesn't work, I don't think this will...

Archibald Anderson Sorority Girls wasted on SCREWdrivers..... God! Thanks for the update, Double A, you're better than CNN - it good to stay updated on the important events going on in the world nowadays! Or maybe it means college girls don't know how to operate a screwdriver, so they're wasted on them? Or screwdrivers aren't attracted to college girls? I need to know!

Protect Yourself Get FREE Condoms online! Now, I'm not a newbie to the internet - but I can NOT for the life of me figure out HOW the hell this works!!! Modern computer scientific breakthroughs continue to astound me!

Thor Lee You know who wants to meet you? I hate these kinds of jokes. "No one". Yah, really damn funny Lee. Go to hell.

Friday, September 7, 2012

Tabletop RPG Review: F.A.T.A.L.

Definitely not safe for work, or children, or anyone with eyes or ears, this is a review of the alleged tabletop RPG, FATAL (Fantasy Adventure to Adult Lechery or From Another Time Another Land). This is actually Part 1 (of 14) which I uploaded to Youtube. Very few people can make it to the end - can you? Take the FATAL Challenge! Well, no, that probably involves some body orifice measurement. Take the Abstruse Decapod Challenge.


Thursday, September 6, 2012

Tabletop RPG Review: Solomon Kane

1600s pulp adventure in the world of Robert E. Howard, creator of Conan, following in the footsteps of puritan scourge of supernatural evil, Solomon Kane.

Solomon Kane Tabletop Role Playing Game

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Insulted by a Clown

I'm going to share the following because I still find it amusing. At one time, I had an anti-mime site, and talked to various people in the few peripheral communities that would intersect with, and had exchanged a few emails with someone who was a clown, that told me about another clown that was very rude and insulting to them, and I gave my opinion on that other person. In some way I don't know, they got that e-mail and sent me a well-reasoned and thoughtful reply. Here is that response and my reply back, which was the last I ever heard from that clown.

 > I don't know who you are but you're very stupid..
> You're obviously one on 
> [good clown's]  worms..

I'm a moderator on an anti-clown forum. My regenerative segmented body notwithstanding, I am my own worm, no one else's.

>   I"m taking you to court for defamation of
> character. 

Okay, you do that. I'll be in the corner holding my breath, just ask for Blue Boy.

Better  yet why don't
> you come over to my house and say all that to me to
> my face.

Because you've already read it, and I'm not one for redundancy.

>Or are you a wimp like the Lesbian Sharon.

What does sexual orientiation have to do with any of this?

>  I have a copy of the e-mail you sent to the Lesbian
> clown about me.. 

Good for you - you want a cookie? What is it with your obsession with lesbians? Me think you doth protest too much, Ellen.

> obvious she's still  off her medication for her
> by-polar. or when she  gossiped
> about me to you. I just read it and again you are
> stupid for writing  that
> e-mail, You need some serious help.

I'm getting serious help in the form of counselling and two different medications for depression, but thanks for your concern all the same.

> You will be in
> your own little circle  in
> Hell with Sharon.  That's where  people like you and
> her  belong.

Ah my very own circle of hell. Only us special people get our own. Thank you for your kind words.

>I'm not demented I just don't take crap from >low-lives like your self and let you get away with it. 

I was talking about you, not to you. And I would reaffirm that I think you are demented, as you're sending insulting e-mails to me for criticizing you to someone else, not to mention my earlier reasoning of your batshit insano bible-thumping balderdash.

>Anyone who judges some one they don't know has no >life and feeds off of other peoples trash,

We judge people we don't know all the time. If there's a cheeseburger and it doesn't look too dirty, I might dig into the trash.

>you're obviously a follower and not a leader.


>So you're probably, what, a mammas boy. Didn't your mamma teach you anything, or is this what she taught you.

Yep, I'm a Mama's Boy. She really didn't teach me anything one way or another about arguments and disagreements between clowns via e-mail.

Tabletop RPG Review: Babewatch

Red speedos and bikinis, babes and hunks saving lives, beach parties and volleyball! I have finally gotten around to my backlog of games I have been planning to review for a while. This one may seem a bit dated. But that's just the cynic in you talking.


Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Online Wrestling Games

While none of them equal the sophistication of a console game, there are some graphical wrestling games available for free play online. Below are the most notable ones I could find:

GWA Wrestling Riot

Nickelodeon Wack Wrestling Challenge

Miniclip Wrestling

ICW Backyard Brawl

MDickie's Wrestling Revolution Touchscreen App

Mucha Lucha Wrestling

The Other Arena Online Wrestling Simulator

Many thanks to Gaz - I am re-mirroring a post that he himself mirrored from an earlier site of mine, as I feel these are useful programming utilities for many ages.

These are tools with the author, programmer, creator or developer of a simulator in mind, notably mostly programming languages and related utilities and sites - so if you're interested in starting your own sim, or just your own program, wrestling simulator or something else entirely, this is a good start for free programs and information you're going to want to look into.

Programming Languages
These are applications which you download and install on your computer, and allow you to write code or programs, either utilities, applications or games (or sims).

Visual Basic
Microsoft's graphical user interface incarnation of BASIC for the Windows era.

Microsoft Visual Basic 2008 Express is the modern graphical user interface (GUI/Windows) version of Microsoft's older, ubiquitous Qbasic for DOS (anyone remember any of that?). Part of the Microsoft Visual Studio Express Editions collection, MS describes it as "ideal for the developer learning to program on Microsoft® Windows®." and yes, it is free, legitimately, from them. This would have been nice, oh, about ten to fifteen years ago for people making sims.

● NOTE: Don't neglect to look into Visual C# and Visual C++, the other two, much more powerful and useful (and marketable, job-wise) free languages offered.

Tabletop RPG Reviews: Timecube and Hybrid

While it lacks the awkward, forced humor that usually accompanies my videos (I guess I just wasn’t “feeling it”), I do at least cover the Timecube and Hybrid RPGs, in this 40 minute video I uploaded to Youtube.

 Tabletop RPG Reviews: Timecube and Hybrid

Monday, September 3, 2012

Video: How To Play A Tabletop Role Playing Game

This is a (tongue in cheek) look at the basics of roleplaying games and how to play them, for those new to the hobby.

Anyone can recite the info on GameMasters and Players. But do you know about the Glasses of Leadership and the Thick Woolen Coat's importance in metagame mechanics?

 How To Play A Tabletop Role Playing Game: Kill It With Fire

Professional Wrestling Simulator Hall of Fame Online!

Hello wrestling simulator and other fans. This post will finally give everyone some closure, and provide a trip back through time, as the PWS HoF hands out the awards for Individual Contributions, Simulator Excellence and Editor's Choice Awards, with about 9 ranks of inductees in each category. How did you favorite sim or author do? Find out now!

Encylopedia Britannica Gives Up On "Normal People"

The company that, for decades, has been happy to sell you a set of books so heavy that God himself couldn't lift it all at once, and so expensive for the average blue-collar worker, that the gold-gilt lettering on the spines of each volume can be used as a status symbol in most communities whose main activities are hay bales, greatly anticipating new Super Bowl commercials, and "fixin' my truck".

Britannica has said goodbye to the physical medium for their contribution to literacy and knowledge, discontinuing the printed word version of their encyclopedia, in exchange for the digital format, because, I mean, who reads real books, right?

Don't worry though, they still charge money, so you still get that fresh, new, money-sucking experience, but now all you have is a virtual collection of 0's and 1', which have been repeatedly proven to be damn poor table leg levelers and spider squishers.

This was a no-brainer, financially, for Britannica, but will it wind up being a "no brainer" for everyone else too?

CNN Article
Image above from CNN

Sunday, September 2, 2012

Movie Review: Epic - Days of the Dinosaurs

Epic: Days of the Dinosaurs (animated, narrated by John Huston) 
Original Release: Yoram Gross, Australia, 1983
Re-Released: May 5, 1993 Company: Family Home Entertainment (f.h.e.) Runtime: 75 minutes

I just really have to mention this. I went to a garage sale a couple weeks ago, and bought the animated Rikki Tikki Tavi (about the mongoose and the cobra), Eliminators (cyborgs, ninjas, ghosts, guides, barfights, evil scientists and starring Tasha Yar, Denise Crosby, from ST:TNG, oh my!) and yes, Epic. I paid about two bucks for all three VHS tapes (I love garage sales).

Rikki Tikki Tavi, and in fact, all three, were, much to my utter shock, in absolutely GREAT shape, especially for being in a garage sale and the LOOK of the cases they were in (all original, also surprisingly). Being a fan of bad and/or old/strange movies, I bought these three, but Epic stood out because while at first I thought it was a kids' dinosaur movie, I happened to notice the children on the cover of the box with POINTED ears. Elves and dinosaurs? Definitely worth 50 cents.Although... the kids in the movie are neither blond nor easily identifiable by gender, nor wearing blue... maybe these drab, brown-haired, brown-clad cavepeople are the kids the blond elfin kids from the cover meet- shit. Nope, just a totally different artist apparently going on vague directions give to him. Way to be consistent.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Lost Artists Spotlight: The Aforementioned Wiener

Lost Artists, those musicians and performers that have slipped through the cracks, are a sad tragedy, but Abstruse Decapod aims to help bring these forgotten souls of entertainment back to the people whenever possible. One such venerable flash in the pan is below:

Yes ladies and gentlemen, you have finally found it! Its not a dream, this ... this is the Real Deal -- this is ... The Aforementioned Wiener!

The Aforementioned Wiener

Historical Notes
The members of The Aforementioned Wiener range in age but their total age is 87 as of April 2002, so fans know that there is a lot of experience and dedication behind this obscure but unstoppable band with the unlikely name.

Starting out as simply a few random words on a piece of paper at a bakery in northeast Oklahoma, The Aforementioned Wiener, consisting of friends and a few relatives, slowly pulled itself out of the creative sludge and started performing and doing gigs at area high schools, civic centers and the occasional bar and rodeo, learning valuable life lessons and fighting injustice where they found it.

Great Random Name Generator, or Greatest Random Name Generator?

 I have used this a number of times for my own purposes, mostly for RPGs, since finding it in 2011, and while it is still somewhat limited per cultura set (Spanish, etc), to probably about... 30 names (?), overall, it is an incredible free resource, allowing you to choose male or female and from among 21 nationalities, which it then uses to give you 50 randomly assembled sets of first and last names!

Atlanta Gamer Name Generator

For those interested in a lot more names and other types of generators, please check out the following links:

Seventh Sanctum Generators's Name Generator
Springhole Generators
Serendipity Generators
Magatsu Generators
Leon's Generators
Donjon Generators

Thanks to Gary at A-Duel-Get for the link to Kleimo!