Saturday, September 08, 2012

Amazing Spam E-mails

We all get these, pretty much all the time by now, but occasionally I like to stop and really think about them. Why? Because I go one step further in putting off work, all for my readers. I ask for nothing in return, except lots of money, but so far that has been woefully non-forthcoming.

  Ingram Lewis Anna Kornekova Eats Red Meat RARE
Woohoo! If there's one thing I've lusted after seeing, all these years, its her breaking out of that boring vegetarian cycle she's in and REALLY chowing down on a bleeding double bacon cheeseburger! I'm all hot just thinking about it - no, wait, actually, I'm hungry - thanks a LOT, Ingram!

Your Therapist Re: Enter to Win Free Body Massages for 1 YEear! My split personality has finally gotten so bad I not only don't remember hiring a therapist, I hired a really questionable one, that gives out chances to win body massages and is unable to grasp the subtle nuances of spelling "year" with four letters - or at least he doesn't know how to use spellcheck. I'm looking into my malpractice options!

College Center You Have One DEGREE Waiting! Sun 04/13 2k DAMN! There's that split personality again! I wonder what the hell I have a degree in! I hope its something good like Hot Asian Chick Psychology or Fluffy Pillow Tester!!! Woohoo here I come, College Center!

Legal Debt Elimination Re: You Have Been Selected! Sun 04/13 2k I have a legal debt? Or I've been selected to legally eliminate debt? Or am I being picked for a sort of elite corporate crime-fighting squad. That rawks!

Long Nights Seduce Women Now! Sat 04/12 8k DAMN! Now I wish I hadn't ordered their earlier "Seduce Women in Approximately 6 Years!" product last month. Stay away folks - I think Long Nights isn't on the up and up!

Buy Foreclosed Homes *FORECLOSED HOMES FOR SALE! Sat 04/12 2k Dammit, why do they have to be so VAGUE?! I wanna know whats in here before I click the link!

A Friend View Photos of Singles in YOUR Area! That is a HELL OF A FRIEND! Who are you, Friend? How do you know I want to see photos of singles in my area! Besides being an anonymous 'guardian angel' type friend I didn't even know I had, you are quite obviously psychic! God has smiled on me this day!

Old High School Friend Come Find Me!!! Sat 04/12 19k Hmmmmmm. Oh damn, those wacky guys! They always were jokers, but this sure as heck tops the list - sending me an anonymous e-mail totally out of the blue, teasing me and playing hard to get! You nut, I'm sending you an e-mail to end the farce - don't mind the w32klez.exe attachment...

Winner Confirmation re: Win a $1,000 Grocery Shopping Spree! Sat 04/12 2k Woohoo! I don't even remember writing them for them to respond to me, but this is SO much better than getting those same old "Loser Confirmation re: once again, you sucked ass" e-mails that keep filling up my e-mail account. I know what I'm buying bay-bee - hot dogs and licorice!!!

Customer Service re: Congratulations - You've Won! WOW! I CANNOT *BE-LIEVE* my INCREDIBLE luck! Even the customer SERVICE people are doing prize promotions and giveaways! Truly, I now know that I am one of the Chosen Ones! I will have to write trouble tickets and complain about website service more often!

Approved Approval Notification: 3 Minute Approval! Is it just me, or did this approval take even less than 3 minutes?! These people are AMAZING!!!

Nadine Wilson 18 and Horney Fri 04/11 7k Well, she spells marginally better than my cat, and she's of age and she trustingly gave her full name - I hear wedding bells!

NEW Car Want a NEW Car?!? Whoah dude! Its like, one of them sentient cars, like K.I.T.T. or Herbie the Lovebug! FAR OUT!

Nestor Lewis Spooge Fest Extravaganza.... Fri 04/11 2k OMG! I'd been waiting for word on Spooge Fest! Its supposed to be in the Valley this year, headlined by Saliva!

Free Horoscopes Re: PERSONAL PSYCHIC ADVICE - AT NO COST! Fri 04/11 2k No thanks, I already have a psychic guardian angel friend who has links to singles in my area. I'm covered.

FreeAdultDVD's Are Girls Crazy? Fri 04/11 4k Thought provoking philosophy from what you would expect to be soulless flesh-peddling, money-grubbing weasels - the world sure has changed since 1985! *Spoiler - surprisingly, they let you make up your own mind - truly a forward-thinking porn retailer.

Non Profit Help You are Now 100% Debt Free - Must Respond Today Fri 04/11 4k Whoah, whoah whoah. I'm 100% Debt Free, thanks to the kind folks over at Non Profit Help? Must Respond Today? DAMN! I missed it by two days - wonder what happens... maybe they just wanted a thank you card.

Confirmation Department We owe you $60 -- Immediate response needed. Fri 04/11 11k Okay - "HELL YAH!!!" - Hmm. I sent that two days ago and they still haven't sent me anything...

Gabriel Wilson Sadaam Is Gone...FFree Adult Passwords MAN! The war really DID have some serious international ramifications didn't it! Damn you "Sadaam", not only did you oppress the Iraqi people, hide Weapons of Mass Destruction and sponsor terrorism - you were bogarting the damned porn passwords??!!!! BOMB HIS ASS, RUMMY!!!

Local Positions Part-Time Help Needed! Fri 04/11 2k Thats pretty damn desperate. If McDonald's big-assed sign doesn't work, I don't think this will...

Archibald Anderson Sorority Girls wasted on SCREWdrivers..... God! Thanks for the update, Double A, you're better than CNN - it good to stay updated on the important events going on in the world nowadays! Or maybe it means college girls don't know how to operate a screwdriver, so they're wasted on them? Or screwdrivers aren't attracted to college girls? I need to know!

Protect Yourself Get FREE Condoms online! Now, I'm not a newbie to the internet - but I can NOT for the life of me figure out HOW the hell this works!!! Modern computer scientific breakthroughs continue to astound me!

Thor Lee You know who wants to meet you? I hate these kinds of jokes. "No one". Yah, really damn funny Lee. Go to hell.

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